I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
babies were throwing up all over the place
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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