i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
