is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
