i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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