she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
