Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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