I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
