Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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