that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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