her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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