I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
