i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
