Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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