glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
