Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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