can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i think my cat just said my name.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
