How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
