my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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