The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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