I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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