I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Let's get the cat blown out
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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