Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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