Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
