1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
