don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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