Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
