checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
