After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
