Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
