I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
