i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
