there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize