Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This is my gift to your gina
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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