Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
