I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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