Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
