Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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