I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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