i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
