Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize