I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
