It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So vagazzling was a success
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
