accomplished twins. life is a go
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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