the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
