at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
