Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
