this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
