I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Two words: blizzard sex
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
