fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
