i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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