"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
