Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
