i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
