I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
