Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
