I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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