What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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