do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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