You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
