he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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