i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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