Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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