When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
