Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
