Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
