So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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