My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
