The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
