how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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